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Migraine and Relationships: Balancing Love and Health
By Sara Berkowitz, Association of Migraine Disorders (AMD)
Relationships aren’t always easy, and throwing migraine into the mix can make things even more complicated. Whether it’s you or your partner living with migraine, it can affect how you connect, communicate, and get through daily life together. In honor of Valentine’s Day, we’re taking a look at how migraine can impact romantic relationships and sharing strategies to help keep your connections strong.
Migraine and Dating
Dating while living with migraine can come with its own set of challenges. Figuring out when and how to bring up the topic, and dealing with unpredictable symptoms that can hit out of nowhere, can make things tricky. What happens when you have to cancel at the last minute? Or if you have to leave a party because a scented candle is too strong? It’s not easy to balance caring for yourself while trying to connect with someone new. But with a little self-awareness and communication, it’s possible to build relationships where understanding and support make all the difference.
When talking to a new partner about migraine, be open and honest about how it affects you. Use specific examples to help them understand. For instance, explain that you prefer to avoid loud events or spicy foods because they can trigger an attack. Then suggest alternatives, like slower-paced outdoor activities or dining at restaurants you know are free of hidden food triggers. This way, you’re sharing your needs while showing that you’re still excited to connect with them.
Dawn Buse, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and Clinical Professor of Neurology at Albert Einstein College of Medicine says people should speak candidly about their migraine disease.
“It’s really important to talk about migraine in a matter-of-fact way that’s unapologetic,” said Buse in a podcast interview with the Association of Migraine Disorders. “Just say this is something I live with. It’s a lot of different symptoms in addition to the headache. I might have trouble thinking or speaking clearly, and I’ll be pretty tired. But then it will pass, and I have some treatments.”
Migraine is a neurological disease, not just a headache. Remind yourself—and others—that having migraine disease is not your fault. Though sometimes challenging, many people successfully manage migraine while dating, even when it sometimes means canceling or rescheduling plans. These moments could even deepen a relationship, offering your partner a glimpse into the strength and resilience it takes to live with migraine. After all, everyone has their own life challenges, and sharing yours is part of building an honest connection.
Migraine and Marriage
Living with migraine can place a significant strain on long-term partnerships, affecting everything from day-to-day interactions to emotional and physical intimacy. Missed plans, canceled dates, or reduced energy levels can create feelings of frustration, resentment or disappointment for both partners.
Over time, these challenges might lead to an imbalance in the relationship, where one partner feels more like a caregiver than an equal partner.
“That can lead to a lot of guilt for people living with migraine,” said Buse. “It can sometimes lead to resentment on either or both sides. And sometimes the person with migraine will say, well after I’m done with the attack, then I feel like I have to make up for it, have to do all the housework and the chores and the shopping, and I don’t feel like I should relax or do anything fun because I missed out on that part.”
For the person living with migraine, this dynamic can foster remorse and self-criticism, as they may feel like they’re not meeting their partner’s needs or pulling their weight in the relationship.
However, maintaining closeness and intimacy is possible, even when chronic pain is a factor. Keeping open lines of communication can help both partners understand each other’s perspectives and needs. Often, loved ones genuinely want to help but aren’t sure how, so expressing what kind of support is most meaningful is important.
“It comes down to a lot of communication,” said Buse. “A lot of talking about what the attack is like, what the person having the attack needs, how that person can be helpful. Helping can sometimes, during an attack, be as simple as keeping quiet.”
Finding ways to spend quality time together that account for migraine triggers—like choosing calmer activities or more flexible plans—can also help preserve the bond. For more insights, AMD’s blog How to Support Your Partner with Migraine offers a deeper look into these dynamics, sharing perspectives from both the person with migraine and their spouse. It emphasizes the importance of mutual understanding, compromise, and teamwork in building a resilient, supportive partnership.
Strategies to Communicate
As a person living with migraine, make sure to communicate your needs with your partner. It can be helpful to create a plan for what to do during an attack.
- Do you need your meds picked up from the pharmacy?
- Do you need your partner to do school pick-up?
- Do you just want to be left alone in a dark, quiet room?
As the partner of someone living with migraine, make sure you understand how you can support your partner.
- What are your partner’s triggers?
- What can you do when an attack hits?
- Are you willing to switch seats at a restaurant or on a plane, if someone nearby is wearing too much perfume? (That’s a favorite between my husband and me)
Migraine Guilt and Breaking the Stigma
For many people, migraine carries not only physical pain but also emotional burdens. Feelings of guilt and inadequacy can emerge when they can’t meet their own expectations or feel they’re letting others down. Guilt is compounded by feelings of isolation, as many people with migraine struggle to feel understood.
“A lot of times, I think we can get quite isolated and feel like we’re the only ones,” Buse said. “We’re just not handling it well. Guilty – I’m not doing a good job, sad, hopeless, helpless, and isolated.”
These feelings can be amplified by general misconceptions and the stigma surrounding migraine. In romantic relationships, this can strain communication and intimacy, as partners may struggle to understand the day-to-day challenges of living with migraine. Speaking up can make a difference. When people with migraine feel heard and validated, it can reduce the emotional burden of guilt and isolation.
Breaking the stigma around migraine starts with understanding the true experiences of those living with it. By sharing stories and encouraging dialogue within a relationship, we can shift perspectives and be more empathetic with each other.
Navigating the complexities of migraine within a relationship requires patience, understanding, and open communication. By establishing clear expectations and finding ways to support each other, couples can strengthen their connection despite the obstacles migraine may bring.
Sponsor a Pair of Virtual Shades & Make Migraine Visible! Migraine may be invisible, but its impact is very real. Shades for Migraine uses sunglasses as a powerful symbol to represent the light sensitivity many experience and to bring visibility to this often-unseen disease. Every contribution brings us one step closer to a more understanding and supportive world for those living with migraine.
Please join us in raising awareness and showing your support for Shades for Migraine! Participation is easy, post a photo wearing sunglasses to social media on or around June 21st with #ShadesForMigraine.
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